The Juiceman
And other of your food opinions that suck
1.
Smoothies are in. Everybody loves the smoothies. Pre-workout, post-workout, unrelated to the workout. Stuffed full of strange powders or strange vegetables or whatever else.
We even saw a smoothie tip in Lukethoughts not too long ago! “Just load honey in that shit.”
I’ve sat out this trend, and intend to continue sitting out. Smoothies don’t appeal to me—not quite sweet enough, usually, and never quite the right consistency. Plus, they’re always pretending to be healthy—and sometimes they’re green! What the hell is that? I’ll stick with milkshakes.
Also, my God, they’re so loud!
There are all sorts of fancy new blenders that pulverize food matter in ways previously thought impossible. Preparation is getting more and more seamless—you just stuff everything in a bowl, slam it down on a blade for 30 seconds, and done.
But they can’t seem to crack the “somewhat quieter than a jet engine” milestone. And I don’t think they ever will. So, no thanks.
Not only that, the forefather of the modern smoothie takeover is a man named Jay Kordich. You might know him as the Juiceman. Jim Carrey’s does his weirdness full justice:
Anyway, in the early 90s, juice was a big deal. From the Washington Post in 1992:
Where the Cuisinart once proudly stood, juice extractors have pride of place now. For people who were first to buy the Salad Spinner, the CD player, the wide screen TV, the juicer is the latest toy to spring on less hip guests. Even kids are bragging to their friends that Mom squeezes her own apple juice.
The Juiceman made a number of strange claims about juice. These include:
“Juice is good for you.” (sure, maybe)
“Uncooked foods—especially juice—are really good at flushing out toxins.” (uh, ok?)
“Juice can treat many illnesses such as anemia, anxiety, arthritis, gallstones, impotence, and heart disease.” (I’m… doubtful)
“I cured my cancer at the age of 20 by consuming 13 glasses of apple and carrot juice each day.” (what the fuck?)
The Juiceman was an early adopter of the infomercial and marketed an extremely successful line of juicers, called the Juiceman Juicer. Lots of people bought Juiceman Juicers from the Juiceman. And:
In 1992, Consumer Reports tested Kordich's Juiceman II extractor and concluded that other competitive models were easier to clean, cheaper, and worked better.
The Juiceman lived to the age of 93.
Steve Jobs died at 56 when his pancreas had had enough of his fruitarian diet.
But the Juiceman survived to old age!
Anyway, don’t drink smoothies—it’s an act of allegiance to the lunatic scam artist who cured his own cancer but killed Steve Jobs.
2.
I happen to be friends with a lot of people from the Indian subcontinent.
There’s nothing wrong with that, inherently. These friends tend to be good and caring people. Open to other cultures, and proud of their own. Hardworking and smart, but not snooty. They’re humble, kind, and accepting.
Except when it comes to food. I’ve learned that if you don’t want to be mercilessly ridiculed, there are a few rules to follow:
You cannot dislike any sort of Indian dish.
You cannot assert your own culture’s food to be anywhere near as good.1
You cannot show any signs of spice intolerance.
Look, there are lots of things about me that deserve to be made fun of. My haircut is bad, I wear weird clothes, I’m pretty thin. I’m also annoying and overconfident and often flat-out wrong.
The low-hanging fruit is ripe for picking.
And yet!
My spice intolerance has led to more teasing and insulting and all-around dickishness than any other trait. So let me say the following in my defense:
I like it when my food tastes good! I like it when eating is not an unpleasant experience.
Spicy food is often unpleasant. It hurts my mouth, it hurts my throat, it makes me sweat, it makes me tear up. None of these are pleasant sensations. Fuck that.
I liken spicy foods to horror movies.
I get that some people enjoy them. They like to feel awful and scared and sweaty. Good for them. Go with God, I say.
And I’m gonna choose not to partake, generally.
If anything, you’re the weird ones.
3.
Many women crave chocolate on their periods. About 50% in America.
That number maps pretty well onto my own experience too. Around 50% of the time that I am a woman on her period, I crave chocolate. Around 50% of the women that I’ve spent significant time with on their periods craved chocolate.
Is there a good reason for this?
According to NaturalCycles.com, chocolate might help ease cramps. But even they acknowledge that it’s probably mostly a cultural practice.
A fairly-large study more or less confirms this:
Foreign-born women were significantly less likely to endorse menstrual chocolate craving (17.3%), compared to women born to U.S.-born parents (32.7%, p = .03) and second generation immigrants (40.9%, p = .001). Second generation immigrant and foreign-born women endorsing menstrual chocolate craving reported significantly greater U.S. acculturation and lower identification with their native culture than non-menstrual cravers (all p < .001). (emphasis mine)
So why chocolate?
I mean, chocolate is fine. I like it, in moderation.
But I can’t imagine craving it. It’s sweet, it’s gooey, it sticks to your teeth and its flavor stays in your mouth. These are all traits of a food you have once, and are satisfied by for a long while after. Chocolate shouldn’t leave you wanting more. Sweets, in general, shouldn’t leave you wanting more.
What does that is salt.
Chips, popcorn, all manner of crispy and savory snacks. My mouth waters just thinking about them. If you’re gonna crave something, why wouldn’t it be a crisp, oily, salty potato chip? Why not an impeccably textured Triscuit, spiced carefully with rosemary?
Savory foods provide a much stronger base for cravings. This chocolate obsession is a completely arbitrary choice. We can do better.
Lukethoughts
(Somewhat less judgmental thoughts from Lucas.)
“Ari might be top 3 best Battleship players in the world after his performance in Spanish today.” (Ed. note: This is in reference to a game that was barely Battleship, and one we barely played. I did kick his ass, though.)
“How does style evolve? Have you seen these fucking “trailblazers” of fashion? Idek what the hell they are wearing but everyone just decides that it is amazing and screams. She is literally wearing 5 inches of latex why is this piece of clothing mind blowing to you.” (Ed. note: Fashion is pretty silly. Scott has an old post touching on it that I like.)
“Everyone has something that they are good at. If everyone could share that talent or put it on display for the strangers in their life, I’m sure there would be less “strangers” among people because they would bond.” (Ed. note: I’d bet at even odds that he got this one straight out of a fortune cookie.)
This is especially true if your culture happens to be “Ashkenazi Jewish,” and all you can offer is “weird kinds of soft meat and fish.”